


Take This Longing

by Polomonkey



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Depression, F/M, Friendship, M/M, Pining, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-14
Updated: 2016-11-14
Packaged: 2018-08-30 21:51:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8550502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Polomonkey/pseuds/Polomonkey
Summary: He lives with Gwen. He sees Arthur all the time. They’re both his best friends in the whole world. But he’s not as important to them as they are to each other, and it kills him.

Merlin comes home from a long day at work.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Well, it's been a horrendous week and only sad fic seems appropriate somehow. I wrote this a while ago for a tumblr prompt and it also fills my 'isolation' square for h/c bingo. Title from a song by the late great Leonard Cohen.

Merlin spends most of Thursday afternoon crying in the fifth floor toilets. They’re usually deserted anyway and he makes as little noise as he can, fist stuffed in his mouth to muffle the sobs.

It’s the best crying spot that he’s found in this office. He had to go outside at the last one and it was always awkward to be eyeballed by a passing smoker. The toilets are at least more private.

His eyes are red rimmed when he goes back to his desk but his boss Alvarr tactfully pretends not to see. Alvarr is always tactful. Like when he took Merlin aside earlier and gently told him he hadn’t got the promotion. That while Merlin had got the technical aspects of the job down pat, he hadn’t quite made the bar on the behavioural side of things.

Merlin knows what that means. It means that sneaking away to cry in the office and being signed off work with depression for five days last year are not the kind of things that earn you a promotion. It means that Merlin is unreliable. An embarrassment. An office joke.

Gwen would kill Merlin if she heard him say any of that, but it’s how he feels. She always sees the best in him, even if there’s not any best to see. Gwen’s too nice to ever point out that the things Merlin seems to find impossible are the things most people don’t bat an eyelid over. Jobs, friendships, relationships – everyone else seems to muddle along fine. But it may as well be sorcery to Merlin, for all the sense it makes. He can’t seem to get anything right.

_An office joke. Everyone’s laughing at you._

Alvarr claps him on the back as he leaves for the day and tells him things will look brighter tomorrow. Merlin digs his fingernails so far into his palms that he feels the sting all the way home.

  


*** 

  


Merlin’s confused when he gets back to the flat because Gwen works late on Thursdays and yet there’s someone pottering around in the kitchen, he can hear them from the hallway.

For a moment he entertains the notion that it’s a burglar, and for another moment he imagines that burglar sticking a knife through his ribs and ending his misery.

It’s not a burglar, of course. It’s Arthur, smiling brightly as he waves Merlin into the kitchen, a dab of pasta sauce on his cheek.

“Hey Merls! Don’t mind me. Wanted to surprise Gwen with dinner.”

Arthur frowns, taking in the clutter around him.

“Although I guess the surprise might be what a mess I’ve made.”

“I don’t think that will surprise her,” Merlin says, and it’s meant to be light but the words come out stiff and wrong.

Arthur gives him a look.

“Are you alright?”

“Long day,” Merlin says and tries for a smile because it’s embarrassing to have Arthur looking at him like that, as though he can tell exactly how close Merlin is to breaking down.

_Embarrassing. You’re an embarrassment._

Merlin feels hot tears prick at the back of his eyes and he has to look away.

“What are you making?” he says, turning towards the stove.

“Just a pasta bake,” Arthur says. He’s still staring, Merlin can feel his gaze. “Hey. You can have some? Plenty to go round.”

“Oh no,” Merlin says quickly, his voice a little high. “I’m really not hungry-”

Arthur is suddenly at his side.

“What did you eat today?” he asks quietly and it’s with that knowing voice, the one Merlin’s been hearing from him since they were seventeen years old and he went off his meds for the first time. Back when it was just the two of them and Merlin was just starting to grapple with the thing in his brain that sometimes told him he was worthless and pathetic and the world would be better off without him in it.

Arthur used to book him appointments with the GP. Buy him silly pill holders to make the daily med ritual more colourful. Sleep in his bed on the nights when Merlin could not or would not stop crying.

They’re older now. And MerlinandArthur has become MerlinandArthurandGwen which somehow then became ArthurandGwen. And Merlin on his own.

He lives with Gwen. He sees Arthur all the time. They’re both his best friends in the whole world.

But he’s not as important to them as they are to each other, and it kills him.

“Merls, come on.”

Merlin drags his mind back to the question at hand. What has he eaten today?

_An apple. A Kit-Kat. Two bites of a ham sandwich._

“Enough,” he lies.

Arthur nods slowly.

“Well. You’ve not had dinner yet and I’ve made far too much so I insist you join us.”

Merlin doesn’t want to join ArthurandGwen. He doesn’t want to be the addendum to cosy coupledom, the awkward third wheel. Sitting like the ghost at the feast, spoiling what little time the two of them get alone by being his usual miserable self.

And he doesn’t want to see Arthur smile at her. Or plant an absentminded kiss in her hair as he passes her, or reach out to rub her hand when she’s telling some funny story.

He wants Arthur to do those things to him instead and that will never happen, not in this lifetime.

He may love Arthur but he loves Gwen too. Feeling this way is a complete betrayal of her. He’s ashamed of himself.

“I’ve got plans, actually,” he says, and lets a grin stretch his face. “A couple of guys from the office are going to that new bar in town; I said I’d swing by.”

Arthur looks pleased.

“Nice one. You want me and Gwen to tag along?”

Which is Arthur’s polite way of saying ‘do you need us with you so you don’t panic and have a meltdown?’

Merlin shakes his head.

“Nah. Have a good night though. And clean up my kitchen before you leave!”

The banter sounds painful to his own ears but Arthur seems to buy it. He looks so relieved that Merlin’s actually going out by himself, that he’s managed to make plans with someone outside the flat.

It makes Merlin’s heart ache. He doesn’t like to picture himself through Arthur’s eyes; it’s never a nice view.

But he gives a jovial wave and goes upstairs to change anyway. He thinks he might go and see a film now that he actually has to leave but the restless part of him knows he won’t be able to sit through one.

He hovers and deliberates until he hears Gwen arrive home and then he forces himself downstairs.

“Off out,” he says cheerily to Gwen, planting a kiss on her cheek. “Don’t miss me too much!”

Then he’s through the door before she can even blink.

It’s cold outside but Merlin walks anyway. He goes down by the river and sits on the bank for a while, until the chill gets too much. Then he wanders through town and back round the houses. Lots of couples holding hands. Lots of people laughing in big groups. Lots of human life that he doesn’t feel a part of.

It’s past eleven when he gets home and Gwen and Arthur are already in bed. He finds a Clingfilm covered bowl in the kitchen, the remains of the pasta bake inside. There’s a little Post-it note on top saying “Eat me, Merlin!” in Arthur’s messy scrawl.

The bowl is still warm. Merlin feels a tear slide down his cheek and he scrubs it away with the flat of his hand.

He stands there for a long time before he feels able to move.

Then he drops the pasta in the bin and carefully covers it with some old newspaper. He folds the note up very small and tucks it inside his jeans pocket. Then he tiptoes up to bed, careful not to disturb the couple sleeping peacefully in the room next door.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I hope you're all taking care of each other and yourselves out there <3


End file.
